Under the Weather

I apologize for my recent absence from blogging-I have been juggling (rather unsuccessfully) my full time schoolwork, one full time job and one part time job. Needless to say, this routine is destined for failure...and why I continue to try to make everything work is beyond me. I blame my Type A personality (just for fun take this quiz @ http://www.psych.uncc.edu/pagoolka/TypeAB.html and look at the score at the end-mine is 314): I find myself constantly over committing myself in every area of my life and then wonder why everything blows up in my face (so to speak). My schedule is planned out months in advance and color coded to identify the obligation: Pink highlighter for my Pediatric Position, Green highlighter for my OB Position, Yellow highlighter for School commitments and Orange and Blue for miscellaneous appointments, including scheduled visits with friends and family. Does anyone else seriously schedule time for socialization? Anyway, I have been tremendously stressed lately: this semester I was sure would be a breeze-my clinical rotation is after the traditional semester is over, the courses were in areas of interest, and I would be able to work more so that I could earn the money to pay out of pocket for the very expensive clinical trip to Africa, which I might add, I still do not know the bottom line price tag for. Turns out, this semester has been filled with hours of work outside of the classroom, activities and projects that are a requirement to complete PRIOR to travel abroad, not to mention the semester is at midterms, and I feel as though I have learned nothing. As a wise professor once said: "The onus of learning falls upon the learner" I am now struggling to find ways to stimulate my learning; this has proven quite difficult.

So, I have been busy. And now I am wondering why I am on the brink of exhaustion??? Today, for instance, was the first day I have been "off" from work or school since the start of the semester (I think). Then again, I can't remember what day it is, or even what I ate for dinner, or even if I had dinner. Anyway, my alarm went off around 8 AM-sleeping in by any definition. I opened one eye, looked at the clock in disgust (yesterday was daylight savings, and I could really use that hour of sleep back!) and was ready to be up and at 'em. I was supposed to have a day filled with studying, running errands and attending a work meeting. So, not a scheduled day off. However, I found out soon enough that I could not even sit up in bed without becoming immensely dizzy and nauseous. Needless to say, I called in sick to my work meeting and slept until early evening. I think sometime around 5PM I finally managed to walk down the hallway to the bathroom, without falling over or vomiting. Success! Since then, I have been preparing for midterms this week. What fun.

I am now trying to make up for the lost time. It is now 3:30 AM and I am studying (well, technically I am taking a break right now for blogging catch up). My to-do list is now twice as long as it was yesterday, since I have accomplished practically nothing. Sigh. I am not only counting down the days until I leave from Africa (65), I am also counting down the days until graduation (277). Except that I am terrified for my own future. I have had a tough time lately-passed over for internships as well as scholarships-and I am struggling to maintain a positive outlook as I prepare to start applying and interviewing for the "real" nursing jobs. The uncertainty of my future is unsettling for many reasons. First, the area that I currently work and attend school in, is increasingly saturated with nurses. This means that the current job outlook here is bleak: new grads fight tooth and nail for every open position, and the open positions are not necessarily in areas of interest. Second, I am having a "mid-life crisis" of sorts. I am at an age where my friends are dwindling. Many have moved away to pursue career advancements, graduate school or for relationship reasons. I am increasingly isolated, and find it very hard to make new friends; I am shy and introverted. And with my busy schedule, I don't really have spare time to build a social schedule or even really maintain the few friendships that remain. Plus, it seems that I am in an age group that is getting married, having children, or both. It is hard to be single and keep friends who are married or have children. And with the social pressures of the area that I live in, being single at my age is by far the minority. I should add that I am 25.

The bottom line? I need a break, from work, from school, from life. The problem? I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel.

On a different note, I now have received all of my vaccinations for Africa. Yellow fever, Typhoid fever, Hepatitis A and Polio booster are all checked off. I couldn't lift my left arm more than 45 degrees away from midline until yesterday, but I seem to be okay now. Maybe all of my immunizations are contributing to my recent illness? All I have left to decide is which medication I will take for Malaria prophylaxis. I recently went to the local pharmacy and bought lots of different drugs to take along: Tums, Pepto-Bismol, Immodium, Fiber supplementation in many forms, acetaminophen and ibuprofen, loratidine (generic Claritin), a tube of neosporin and two boxes of patterned band-aids (Camo and Hello Kitty) are all packed. More on Africa as the preparation continues...

Stay tuned.